In May I was very silent on my blog. I wasn’t sure if I was going to even write about this, but its reality and that’s what this blog is about. Talking about personal things, for me is hard, in such a public way. But I am learning to get out of my comfort zone and into things I want to speak about. Anyways, May was very hard for me. I was really under the weather and was having medical problems that I still don’t understand. For days, my heart rate was rising throughout the day, and just trying to get up and go to the bathroom it was racing to 160 bpm. I didn’t know why actually still don’t have an answer after visiting the ER three times during those scares. I was told at first I had bronchitis, but never had a cough, then an arrhythmia and to see a cardiologist (still waiting on that appointment to come) and then the third time I ‘had’ the flu. I am not a doctor person personally, so even going to the ER was because my husband pushed me to do it. Since about the end of May though I haven’t had any issues. It’s like an on-off switch since I am still a little scared of that happening again, I haven’t been working out. But I finally feel ready to get back at it slowly. So today I have decided to reach into my back closet and get my skates on. Yes, I probably should wait for a doctor to look at me properly but considering this happened to me 13 years ago and I went through blood test after test to be told there was nothing wrong with me and I probably had asthma (I don’t know how you can tell that by a heart rate monitor and blood test alone but we just going to skip over that one) I am just going to listen to my body itself and not push myself.
So today, I walked to the local park, put those skates on and got back at it. It has been a few years since I really skated so at first it was a little weird to find that rhythm and that balance but eventually, I got back to it. I use to practice with a roller derby team and loved challenging myself. Challenging myself to do laps faster, or even try and somewhat keep up with one of the best coaches I know, Liz (Insanity Jane I love your soul)! Or even challenging myself to not be afraid to be hit by girls twice to three times bigger than me (I’m 5’2″ on a good day haha) I learned so much from that journey and went onto practicing a little bit with an amazing woman who was trying start a co-ed team. Even though that was only for a few months I learned even more from her, and it wasn’t just about the skating. It was about working together, never falling behind and also learning to walk away to help myself personally. Ultimately that team didn’t work out, but I hope she knows how much she gave me. She taught me to never give up, and also how to run a 5k without practice, just because I wanted to be a BADASS and strong like her… haha that hurt… She taught me the beauty that is within the pain we all have to face, and mostly she taught me that with determination, practice, commitment and self-love I can accomplish anything!
As I skated today, I remembered all those things. That pain sometimes is just pain, it hurts, and you wonder ‘when will this be over with’. But there is a beauty within that pain. The beauty of knowing how strong you are and will become, the beauty to know how much you can accomplish. The beauty to understand your determination and goals and the beauty to understand that eventually that pain will stop and you will come out of it more powerful than you ever imagined you could be.